So this is my third attempt at a blog. I started one years ago called Crazy is as crazy does but forgot my login and password after not having posted in over a year - so much for that - blogger couldn't help me because I didn't even remember what email I opened it with. Then about a year ago I started one called Several Shades of Crazy but again didn't post and forgot login and password, forgetting this one makes me a little sad since I loved the name of it. So here we are again - third time’s a charm. I'm fairly pleased with the title of this blog Momof2T1s - I use the same name for Twitter - not that I have logged on to twitter in the last 2 years. No I am not normally so disorganized and non-committal - wait yes I am. Anyway - this is my newest and hopefully successful attempt at blogging.
I opened the account yesterday using an email that I use frequently so that shouldn't be a problem to remember. I haven’t set up much as you can see - no gadgets or whatever - I don't even know what a gadget is, something like a widget possibly that I learned about in my undergrad years but never have been able to purchase - or maybe I learned about widgets while in technical training for the Air Force while learning how to be a contracting agent. Either way I’ve never actually seen a widget. I digress. So I opened the blog but then sat wondering what I would have to write about. I read a few other blogs and the bloggers I read seem to have all there ducks in a row so I was feeling like maybe I would be in over my head. Then today happened - almost seemed orchestrated so that I would have something to blog about. (disclaimer - I see that there is a spell check available but wanted to warn readers ahead of time that I really am not a fantastic speller. Please forgive me if I miss a misspelled word.)
So back to today. If you haven't read my ultra short bio let me give you an abbreviated portion of my already abbreviated bio. I am a happily married (98 percent of the time) 30 something year old mother of three. I have two dogs (one small and fluffy the other fat and furry) and two cats (one old and grouchy the other young and insane). Two of my children have Type 1 Diabetes - thus Momof2T1s. My youngest child (son now 7) was diagnosed at age 2, my oldest child (daughter now 12) was diagnosed at age 9 - two years after my youngest was diagnosed. That fact always surprises people, they (the people I referred to) always assume my oldest was diagnosed first. Lesson one in Diabetes - there is no rhyme or reason for 90 percent of the crud that goes along with it. My middle kiddo (son now 9) is just that, a middle child - stuck between an older and younger sibling that both have Type 1 diabetes and both are in advanced classes in school. My middle child really could use a blog all about him - It would not be difficult to find topics to write on.
Again back to today...
Today started at 1am when my alarm went off to wake me so I could check blood sugars (for those that are not a parent of a child with diabetes 'CWD' or a diabetic yourself - middle of the night blood sugar checks are common place. So at 1:00 in the morning my alarm sounded, it didn't sound with a fun song from the radio like normally because one of my lovely children likely played with it so instead of one of todays pop hits I woke to static. So I stumbled into the master bathroom to turn off the alarm - yes I keep my alarm in the bathroom thus assuring I will get out of my bed to turn it off and take care of business. If my alarm is next to my bed I will be able to hit the snooze and/or off button in less than a half second while still asleep. After turning off said alarm I started to undress rather than exiting the bathroom to check blood sugars. I turned on the shower and grabbed a towel. I fully intended to get ready for the day. In no way will I ever suggest that being the parent of a CWD is more difficult or even close to as difficult as being said child, however I do sometimes suffer from diabetic brain (possibly like how some men suffer from sympathy pregnancy when their wife is with child - is that a real thing?) I realized my folly just prior to getting in the shower. Thus I turned off the shower, redressed and instead of checking blood sugars I feel back into bed. (The guilt of this and other times like it plagues me frequently). When my next alarm sounded at 6:00 in the morning I shot out of bed realizing my 1st mommy fail of the day and rushed to check sugars. Youngest at 67, oldest at 234. Thank goodness for guardian angels.
On to breakfast, since the youngest was at 67 I didn't dose him insulin prior to his breakfast. I also allowed him waffles with syrup and made him smoothie. This breakfast contains about 75 grams of carbohydrates. Normally with a blood sugar below 70 we would give 15 grams of carbohydrates, wait 15 min and recheck the blood sugar. Since it was breakfast time and 67 isn't terribly awful we moved forward with breakfast breaking protocol. Remember how I said I didn't pre-dose since he was a little low - well that is also outside the normal routine. Thus at 8:30 - two hours past when he ate breakfast and an hour after he began school it dawned on me that I didn't dose him for his breakfast. Queue call to school nurse to inform her of my second mommy fail and ask her to check my sons blood sugar at that time rather than waiting for schedule test time. I estimated that he would be in the 500's (very very bad number - normal is 70-120), I asked her to please get him a water bottle and give him a no-carb snack for snack time. When I checked back with her 30 minutes later I learned his number was indeed over 500 - 518 to be exact. Second dose of guilt for mommy today.
Guilt sucks. I can see how guilt has value – a person commits a crime, feels guilty and confesses – thus justice will be served. However as parents we often feel guilt not because of an intentional wrong doing but as a result of a perceived failure. A child is behind in reading thus the parent may feel guilty for not reading often enough to the child when he or she was younger (yes this is me too and I will likely not address these specific feelings of guilt in this blog). Seeing a picture of the food pyramid may spark feelings of guilt by the parent for not providing the recommended servings of fruits and vegetables everyday (also me although since this deals with nutrition there is a good chance we will revisit this). A parent works long hours either outside the home or possibly in the home as a domestic engineer and when asked by his or her children to play a game the parent tells the child he or she is too tired or has work to do (also me on more occasions than I care to admit). My point – even as parents of typically developing children that do not have special needs (cognitive or medical) we are surrounded by opportunities to feel guilty; add in the responsibilities of a parent of a CWD or special needs child and we have guilt overload. I tend to forgive myself fairly easily noting that I am only human but I don’t bury the entire hatchet – I leave the handle sticking out so when days like today come along with two large FAILS all the past guilty feelings involving diabetes, fluency, playtime, nutrition, etc. come slamming into me and knock me flat on my bum.
Normally on days like today after putting the kids in bed I would retreat to my shower. It isn’t a super fancy shower but it does have a bench built in. I would normally sit on said bench while the hot (nearly scolding) water pours down on me. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would just sit trying to clear my head by focusing on how badly I need a pedicure (I’ve only had two pedicures in my life – I’m very ticklish). While those 45 min do help calm me and do provide some therapy I felt like I needed another outlet. Maybe other parents of CWD fight similar battles. Actually I know they do, I’ve been to the forums, I’ve read the blogs – I am not alone. Maybe those parents that post and comment find a level of peace from sharing. Insert Momof2T1s blog here. I am hoping I will provide something for others. It may not be helpful information. It may not be knowledgeable information. You may not even find it funny even when some of it is meant to be funny. But maybe someone will find peace in knowing there is someone out there more screwed up than them (see profile pic – when I get one).
Post Scriptum – (Only Latin I know)
Today happened to be a day that I was volunteering with my local JDRF chapter presenting a Kids Walk to Cure Diabetes at an elementary school. The students and teachers at the school were great and I was on fire with my presenting (some days are better with presenting than others based on level of exhaustion, student behavior, migraine level and amount of coffee consumed prior to presenting - that seems normal right?) My nurse at my son's school kept me updated regarding his blood sugars. His sugars responded well to his insulin correction and he did not develop a headache (common side effect of high blood sugar for both my son and daughter). So near the end of the day when I had just finished presenting to the 4th grade a student approached me while his class was lining up. He told me that his dad told him that Type 2 diabetes was worse than Type 1. I responded by saying they are equally bad. Regardless of which type of diabetes a person may have they have equal chances of developing complications such as vision loss, kidney and liver failure, heart problems and nerve damage. I assured the student that with proper care and the good choices regarding medical care, nutrition and fitness a person with diabetes will likely not experience complications due to diabetes. The student thanked me and left with his class. On the way home I spent time contemplating if one type of diabetes is worse than the other. As a mom of two kids with Type 1 I feel somewhat biased and believe Type 1 is worse because people have it for a longer period of time (diagnosed earlier in life normally). However, people with Type 2 often have Type 2 for much longer periods of time prior to diagnosis (some may have it for a decade and not know) thus leaving them a higher risk of complications. Do you have a thought regarding which is worse - is one worse?